Kevin Bacon Arrested For Ties to Al Qaeda
February 17th, 2010Noted actor Kevin Bacon has been arrested for alleged ties to Al Qaeda. Bacon was led out of his Malibu home at 3AM yesterday morning by several FBI escorts, and detained for further questioning.
Later in the day, the Department of Homeland Security held a press conference to discuss the controversial arrest. “Mr. Bacon came up as a person of interest after a series of internal discussions,” said DHS spokesperson Mitch Hampton. “One investigator casually noted that Kevin Bacon has a pretty close relationship to deceased Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat.” Hampton went on to explain how Arafat was featured in the 2003 documentary Les Dix, alongside Nelson Mandela, who appeared in Malcolm X, which starred Gareth Williams, who co-starred with Bacon in Digging to China.
“And we thought, my god, who else might this Kevin Bacon be hanging around with?” explained Hampton. “After a little digging, we discovered that Bacon starred in Mystic River with Tim Robbins. Robbins was in The Shawshank Redemption alongside Morgan Freeman, who used to be in radio commercials. Some his early commercials were directed by radio producer Raoul Yasin. And it turns out that Yasin is the brother of Faiz Yasin, who manages a small airport in Saudi Arabia that is suspected of having served one of Osama Bin Laden’s top lieutenants in the late 90s. This thing goes deep.”
Bacon, previously the star of celebrated movies such as 1984’s Footloose and 1990’s Tremors, has fallen out of recognition over the past decade. His friends, while claiming no knowledge of any terrorist activity, have noted that his behaviour had become increasingly erratic within the last few years. “When he took a role in Queen Latifah’s Beauty Shop, I knew something was up,” said Gary Sinise, Bacon’s friend and co-star from 1995’s Apollo 13.
When asked about the progress of the the investigation, Hampton revealed that it was ongoing. “It’s beginning to look like this guy has ties all over the terrorist world. We’ve discovered that one of his childhood friends currently co-owns a donut shop with a man who used to live in South Korea. South Korea, as you know, is right next to North Korea, which is where Kim-Jong Il lives. All that’s left is to connect the dots.”
