Google Slow

First, a little bit of review. Many of you are probably familiar with the Google “20% policy,” whereby employees are allowed to use 20% of their working time to develop side projects. This policy has led to the development of many earth shatteringly innovative products, like Google Moderator.

While I was working at Google, my side project was something I like to call “Google Slow.” It’s like normal Google, but slower. Incredibly, heartrendingly slower. Basically, instead of typing your search query into a text box and clicking a button, you type it into a piece of paper and click on a mailbox. I receive the letter, and compile a list of results for you. As a bonus, I include handy tips and editorial content. Then, in 4-6 weeks you receive your list of relevant websites. My ideas was that this service would be useful to those who don’t have access to a computer, as well as those who prefer a more relaxed pace to life. This would also alleviate the problem of aimless web surfing. If your search engine takes a month to get back to you, there’s no risk of accidentally spending an entire evening drunkenly trying to find a video of fish doing it.

When I presented this idea to my manager, we shared a somewhat awkward moment. He stared at me from behind his desk, his expression one of startled embarrassment, like I had stumbled across some sort of terrible secret. But he didn’t say anything. We remained silent for perhaps a minute; I started to realize I was holding my breath. I think he was holding his breath too, because his face began to turn blue. Luckily, my phone started buzzing, so I exhaled deeply, and mumbled, I, uh, I need to take that, I guess. Slowly, I backed out of the room. One week later I received a gift basket filled with gourmet cheeses from Larry Page, and a note that said, “Keep up the gouda work!” However, the Google Slow project didn’t get picked up.

On the plus side, this has left me to develop the concept as a business of my own. I’ve stuck with the Google Slow moniker, since it describes the idea pretty well, and I haven’t received a C & D yet. Still, I’m on the lookout for a new name. In the meantime, the service has been turning in a healthy bit of profit. I figure it’s important to keep the meme going strong, so I thought I’d publicly display a bit of the traffic I’ve been receiving.

Sometimes letters take a long time to reach me in West Australia, so this one comes to us courtesy of early August, from New Hampshire, USA:

”mortgage advice”

The response:

“Thank you for your search request. Good news! Since you had the foresight to send this in August, you’re about to get incredibly useful advice about an economic crisis before it actually happens. You can use this apparent temporal paradox to commit some rather lucrative financial shenanigans. Consult some sort of broker.

Dr and Rose Mortgage This seems relevant.

Mortgage, Photographer I heard that Mort Gages with more views are generally the best to use.

This one’s a blog post Above all else, keep your nails in top condition.

Hope that helps! For more results, send another letter containing only the word “NEXT.”

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Impossible Eats

On a hypothetical top-secret blog that I can’t even tell myself about, Kate mused about a restaurant that specializes in competitive eating: the sort of eating where, if you eat the whole thing, the thing that you are eating is free. Such a restaurant does not actually exist, except for the one I just created. In my mind. However, the menu is real.

The Overbearing Mother - $29
While you consume 1 kilogram of succulent triple-A American beef, a middle-aged Protestant woman wearing fur laments your inability to land a husband due to your excess “baggage.” Optional sides: Baked potato, garden salad, baseball bat.

A Tasty Surprise - $45
Fugu is a Japanese delicacy prepared from the meat of the pufferfish. It is lethally poisonous if prepared incorrectly, and many chefs undergo years of rigorous training before they are considered able to perform this delicate task. We do not have one of these chefs. Patrons who successfully finish this dish will, in addition to the free meal, be treated to complimentary emergency medical care.

Innocence - $39
Enjoy our award-winning honey-glazed rack of lamb atop a bed of fresh herbs and scalloped potatoes. Meanwhile, a video dramatization of the lamb’s life plays out on a nearby plasma screen. Witness the key moments of the lamb’s life, from its miracle birth aboard the boat to America, to its heartwrenching battle with poverty on the streets of New York, and finally to its uplifting journey to self-betterment through its love of creative writing. Will the little lamb find the calm life of warmth and love it seeks? Answer: No, as revealed in the shocking final abattoir scene.

Taste Oddity - $79
In 1947, the US military recovered the wreckage of alien spacecraft in New Mexico, along with the remains of its pilot. We serve up five thin slivers of the alien’s brain, which have chemical properties that defy the known laws of physics. A delicious balsamic reduction and imported chevre complete the experience. The effects of consuming this material have been found to be somewhat diverse. Will you gain psychic powers, be transported to farthest reaches of the universe, or merely have sexual complications? Conditions apply: For the meal to be free, the patron must reasonably resemble a human in the vicinity of the restaurant upon completion.

The Most Dangerous Meal - $125
You: an adventurous restaurant goer. Your meal: The very same. Armed only with a fork and steak knife, you will eat or be eaten. This is competitive eating at its finest!

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